Shana Bearden

I am home alone tonight because I am sick with the crud and feeling pretty rotten. I began thinking today of this year and what all transpired this year and to a lesser extent this decade. It was early February when we went to the hospital in Maryland for Shana’s second surgery. She had been feeling pretty good after getting her first major surgery in May of 2008 but her tumor had started regrowing and we needed to see if we could operate on the lower part of her abdomin to remove a large tumor there. We spent several days in the hospital but when they opened her up, her lower tumor was inoperable and had intertwined itself with the intestine. We came back and had a short recuperation period but Shana began having internal problems that would eventually bring her great pain and inconvenience. We began another round of chemo and began doing some other things to try to help her get better. Six weeks later in mid March 2009 we went back for a operation that might “reset her clock” but when the operating team got into her torso, they found that the tumors had melded into her abdominal wall and were not able to be removed. We returned home very dissappointed and we both probably knew at that time that time was limited. Our kids and friends kept up a constant stream of support and visits that made Shana know that she was loved and supported. Her friends, kids and grandkids did more for her than all of the medicines she recieved. It was magnificient how everyone surrounded her with love and support during this difficult time. It was a subject we often talked about and felt totally blessed by.
There were emergency runs to the hospital in ambulances and many, many nights in Harris Methodist Hospital emergency room where we got to know many of the personnel there. Tons of paperwork and claims forms and then beginning in about June we began doing home health care on our own. We could have had full time care but I wanted to take care of her as long as I could so we entered an exhausting period of morning, noon and evening medical preperation and care. That was a tough period physically for both of us. Then our friends started dieing. Cathy Davies, Bee Rippy,Larry Williams, several of our cancer survivor friends and other friends began dropping like flies. During this same time I had 9 jury trails and a lot of other interests get to me. I went to Baltimore twice, New York, Las Vegas and Houston to try to find cures but they were not to be had. Then, we went to Harris Hospital to get her stronger to see if we could get her in trial chemo programs when her urinary tract and intestines shut down finally. She passed in beauty and grace and left us here alone in this cruel world. The funeral and surrounding events were a blur and I am constantly surprised that it has only been 4 months since she passed. This year has seemed to be a decade long and I have little enthusiasm about the second decade of the 21st century. This year has been the longest year and toughest year of my life. At times it has been a speeding train and other times it has been a slow drip of time. It still doesn’t seem real that just one year ago I was married to the most beautiful woman in the world and everyday I would get excited about just coming home to see her. Only a little over 2 years ago, Shana was healthy and beautiful and glowing. She smiled all of the time and was like a little girl when she experienced something knew.
It has not been all bad. We have had some great grandkids and some good times spent together. MY kids are healthy and doing well. I am adjusting to a singe life slowly but surely. I am a good catholic man and I have a lot of friends who care about me. I am not looking forward to next year for some odd reason but in reality, it has no where to go but up.
Have a good 2010.
Jim