Shana Bearden

It has been 76 days, 2hours and 24 minutes since Shana passed, not that I am counting. I have gone through terrible loneliness, anger, self pity and all the other stages that one is supposed to go through when losing a loved one. I suffer less now although certain things still bother me such as seeing or doing something I know Shana would have enjoyed or laughed about. I have a hard time looking at our thousands of pictures because by their nature they depict the fun times in life. Some things are having to change but the house still is pretty much just like it was when Shana was there and I don’t want that to change for a while. All of my closest friends have been wonderful about including me in their plans and activities but being a widower makes it difficult to go out with couples since I sometimes feel like a third wheel. The kids have been great and they are all coming here for Thanksgiving for several days. For Christmas Brad and I are going to April’s house for Christmas and then Chrissy is coming down there for several days between Christmas and New Years. Brad and I probably will come back for New Years to celebrate it here. All of this is up in the air but it looks like it will sort out that way.
A lawyer who I recently opposed in a case had her husband pass away suddenly and I have spent some time trying to help her cope. We have become good friends from a somewhat hostile beginning. Her husband died of a sudden stroke and She is having a really difficult time wth it. She sometime calls me just to talk and that is helpful to me too to talk to her. Until you have walked this path, there is little that I can explain about the feelings one has. It can be tough.
I have some extra medical equipment here if anyone needs it. Just miscellanious stuff but I will give it to anyone who needs it. Just call me.
I recently had to start physical therapy for an old back injury and that is eating up some serious time after work. It is kind of fun though because I get into a hot tub that has a mechanized walker in it to get my muscles relaxed. I then get messages before I do a series of excercises and streatching movements. Then I get a tens machine put on my back and cold packs put on me and then I go home. I will see if it does any good. I just got some good news that my lousy health insurance policy is being converted to Blue Cross Blue Shield in a much better policy. That should save me some money in the long run and give me better coverage so it was all good.
I hope that I am able to decide what I want to do to fight cancer from here on out. I am taking my time but I want to play a significant role in fighting cancer and getting it cured. I have to decide what role I want to play and then get it going. Iwould value your thoughts if you have any.
I miss my wife every day. I was blessed for a long time and looking back we had a really great life. I really don’t have much motivation to get through the day now without her but I muddle through. I don’t really have any lifetime goals now but I am working on that and I try to give every day my best but it is done wthout any enthusiasm.
Jim

11-1-09 Well, it has been the longest 60 days of my life…the time since Shana has gone on to heaven. I am a little less torn up than before but it is still tough at times around here. I still don’t know what to do on most nights except think of the old times but at least it is less painful as time goes on. I have been buoyed recently by a happening reported by April this week.
You may recall that all the kids were in on Shana’s birthday and on the same weekend we attended the state fair and the church picnic. In retrospect, I remember Lily telling me on the morning of the church picnic that she had a dream about “Nana”, or Shana the night before but because we were busy getting dressed and I did not inquire more into it. Well, this week, Lily told April very matter of factly that she had been visited by Shana the night after the State Fair and before the Church Picnic. April casually inquired about what had occurred and Lily said very matter of fact that Nana had come to visit her in our bedroom that night. She said correctly that I was asleep in my recliner and that Nana had come with Jesus and 4 Angels. She very matter of fact described in detail the dress that Shana was involved in and that Shana had laid on the bed with her and told her 3 specific things. First, she said that “Heaven is the only place”, That Lily should pray for Shana and one other thing that Lily remembers but I cannot now recall. Then Jesus told Shana that she should go back to Heaven and Shana slowly dissolved into nothing. THen she says Jesus and the four angels stayed with her until she went to sleep.
The thing is that she can so clearly describe Shana’s dress which she never really saw elsewhere. She described Jesus’s dress vividly and she described the angels in great detail. She doesn’t seem to grasp that this is importent at all and she describes it without any hesitation. I don’t know exactly what to make of that story but Lily does not make up stories and when she tells it it is like she is talking about going to school that day. I really hope that it is true and that Shana is in Heaven with Jesus. Please say a prayer for Shana, Larry Williams, Paul Ricca and all those who have died recently.
On Monday at 7:00 pm there is a mass at St. Vincent de Paul Catholic Church to memorialize all those who have died this year. Please feel free to join us on monday.
Jim