Shana Bearden

Today is the first anniversary of my loss of Shana. Very tough day on me. Too many good memories mixed with some really difficult experiences toward the end. The last few days have been all about remembering the finest lady I ever met and my loss of direction in my life.
This weekend I went to a convention in Houston and met many old friends and made some new ones that I really enjoyed meeting. Yet, I would be lieing if I didn’t say that my life is somewhat empty and without direction without Shana in my life. It is impossible to forget or minimize 38 years of devotion to another particularly when you wrap that around 4 kids, businesses, a lot of adventures and a lot of very great friends. I want to try to regain that sense of purpose I had when I had Shana and we were taking care of the kids and the businesses and helping our friends. Now, there is no Shana, the kids are independent and it is my friends helping me instead of vice versa. I am very proud of what I have done in the past and the family and friends that I have but it would be really great to regain some of that drive I used to have when Shana was there beside me. I have met some great people but it simply is not the same as someone you grew up with and built a life around. It is a different world. I get some joy out of having recently gone to a restaurant where I met a group of women to whom I was simply known as “Shana’s Husband” during introductions. They didn’t know me personally but that was a really nice way to simply be introduced. It felt right.
I am going to continue a more advanced treatment here in Fort Worth for a while because I don’t have any support system in Los Angeles and my short trip to Houston this weekend took it out of me once I got a bit ill. Thank Goodness that Wes was there to get me back home or it would have been a very bad day and a bad outcome. My doctor here in Fort Worth is one of the top doctors in the country and we will mimick the procedure in California from here so that I have some support system when I start getting really sick. If the process here does not work, then I will go to LA and partake of that program but I just don’t have anyone who can help me out there and I have now had a dose or two of how sick I will likely be and it does require some help. The thing is this: When you take a course of chemo, your body becomes accustomed to it and eventually builds up an immunity that stops it from working.That is eventually what happened with Shana. We fought her cancer with a surgical and chemo program that gave her two extra years until one day the chemo just stopped working. Then it was a quick fall into her final sickness. In my case, since there is not a chance of a cure, I am simply trying to buy grandkid time with a good quality of life. I want to stay at each level of treatment for as long as possible so that I have the longest cumulative life span available to me. If I jump to the most rigourous treatment, I may have forfieted the mid courses and the time that I could have used those treatments to buy time. I want to be like a pony express rider– I will ride each horse as long as possible before jumping to the next one in an attempt to build up as much distance as possible. So, I will be playing the treatment game with some last minute changes as soon as it appears that the chemo has stopped working on one treatment then I will go on to the next. Currently, it looks like the treatment I am now taking is not working and I will soon be switching to another chemo program that hopefully will work. If it doesn’t then I may wind up going to California right away. But if it does, then I will ride it for a while to see how it goes. I have been very very lucky because I do not have much pain and while I sometimes get totally worn out, I can get around most days without too much problem or fatigue so the doctors tell me that is a very good sign that I am fighting the cancer with my body. Hope so.
Please say a prayer for Shana and all those people who prayed for her during her time of trial and trouble. I will never ever forget those who were there when my wife needed them so badly. I have said it before but it is totally true–she lived so long because of the prayers that were said for her every day and every minute. She knew that others cared and that is what kept her going to the very end. God bless you. Please keep a prayer going for her in heaven. Wes, Antoinette, Bella and I went to Mass early this morning and then took flowers to the grave and it was a sad memory of what happened just one year ago today. Seems so much longer ago than just one year. On the other hand the time has flown by with but a few good days that allowed me to remember my blondie. It has been a very very tough year. Getting over her loss. Reconstructing a life. Rebuilding relationships. Helping the kids through it. New grandkids. My diagnosis. My treatments.
I really don’t want to go home alone tonight. This one will be really really tough tonight.
Please say a prayer for all of my sick and injured friends. Frank Prochaska, Mike Tulley, all those sick at St. Vincents, Diane Donahue, Bernie Donahue and all the others. A prayer can do a lot for these people so help them out if you can.
Jim

Arrived at UCLA today after a long trip via Southwest Airlines and met with the Doctor at his offices at the UCLA medical center. After reviewing my medical records, it became clear to both of us that my cancer protein markers are indicating that the cancer is not being controlled very well with the current chemical program. In two months my C-19-9 markers have grown from 350 to almost 800 during the period I am taking the chemo. What this doctor is offering is a 5 chemo cocktail that uses heavier doses of state of the art FDA approved chemo treatments in a heavier format and in a 3 treatment on and two week off program. He does seem to have much better response than anyone else battling this disease. He invited me to talk to the patients in his office to see what they thought about the treatment they were getting. Several were doctors themselves and I interviewed a number of the patients. All were basicly the same. They were not responding to conventional treatment and had been cast off by their regular doctors as untreatable. One Lady had come to the doctor in March of 2010 with a C marker level of 53,000 and today had a C marker level of 300. She had gone from being fully bedridden to returning to work and taking care of her children. She was most enthusiastic about the treatment and almost started crying when she heard that I was considering the program. It was encouraging.
I think I will do it. The treatment will be intense and will require me flying to LA every week for a while and then we will try to transfer regular treatment to my Fort Worth doctors. This coming week, I will undergo day surgery to get a “port” implanted in my chest. Then in 14 days, I will return to UCLA and get a pump attached for a straight thru 15 day period where one drug will be pumped in 24/7 into my chest. Then I will receive a transfusion of three other drugs on days 1.8,15 and then off three weeks. Then I will get the 5th drug intraveniously on days 1 and 15. Then off all of it for three weeks. The outcome is good and better than any others I have seen.
In the current test group of 28 patients, almost all of whom are generally worse off than I am at present, 8 have died early on in the program, 19 have survived with good response and 1 seems to have no cancer at all in his body. The current test is three years old and median survival has not yet been reached. That means that the point where 50% live and 50% die has not yet been reached. The previous test which is close to this test group in what is administered has resulted in a median survival term of almost 6 years which is unheard of with this cancer. This is no promised cure but it beats the heck out of the standard of care survival rates and might wind up giving me some meaningful survival time which is what I have sought. Additionally, from talking to the patients, the treatment is highly tolerable after initial adjustments and a near normal life behavior is being experienced. I am hopeful that I might wind up seeing my grandchildren for a bit longer than I had anticipated. I am going to make a run at it and see if it can help me. What have I got to lose? On my current plan, even the most hopeful doctor gives me only a couple of more months and I think if I can get another year or more out of this treatment I have little to lose. Also, I had forgotten how pretty LA/Westwood/UCLA/ Beverly Hills area is. Not a bad place to visit if one has to go to a clinic.
Please keep praying for me, maybe this is the break that I need.
Love, Jim